Mental and behavioral health issues can be challenging for anyone. But for parents of elementary-school-aged children, it can feel confusing and isolating to watch your child struggle with behavioral issues. PDX Parent spoke with Madison Harp (pictured below), a Portland-based, licensed social worker with Youth Villages, a leading national nonprofit focused on children’s mental and behavioral health, about how to help your children as they navigate these difficulties.
Q: What should a parent do if they receive calls from the school that their child is experiencing behavioral issues? For example, running out of class or hitting other students.
A: First I would approach the child in a way that doesn’t say, “You’re in trouble, I got a call from school.” Lead with curiosity. So, “I’m curious about…” or “I wonder…” versus “What happened at school today?” A lot of times our young people are already in self-preservation mode, so you want to create that trusting environment. The next thing I would do is clarify with the school. What are the clear expectations in the classroom? You want to know what is expected of the children. If, for example, the expectation is that “we keep safe hands and feet,” then we can start using the same language at home. So for example, not saying, “You’re not allowed to hit.” Instead we’d start saying, “We’re using safe hands and feet.”
As adults, we’ve lived on this planet for longer. There are unwritten rules in society. If I’m at the grocery store, I don’t climb on top of the conveyor belt. But young people are still learning about the world. Sometimes we as adults assume they know the expectations when in reality they need it spelled out. So what is the expectation? What kind of language are we using?
Lastly, I would ask the school, is this a common behavior? Is there a time of day this happens, like in the morning or after lunch? Our children at this age are very sensitive to their environment. Then I would ask the school, what do you need from me? What’s the plan moving forward?
Q: If a parent is hearing about disruptions in class from another student that are affecting their child, what would you recommend?
A: So first, we want more context. We call it “situational analysis,” which are just really fancy words for “who, what, when and where.” So gathering that data. Is this a one-time thing, or ongoing? Most of the time our schools know of the young people who are struggling, and hopefully there are plans in place. You as the parent can ask, “Is there a plan for this to be addressed?” In the mental health world, we look at frequency, intensity and duration. So is Tommy annoying, or is Tommy unsafe? Depending on the answers to this, we want to empathize with our young person, but also help them build skills. We all have that difficult coworker. We want our kids to be able to cope and deal with those situations.
Q: How should a parent talk to their child about these issues?
A: Think about how we present the information. It’s the concept of co-regulation. Kids are looking to us to see how we react, so if you’re having big reactions yourself, they’ll see that. We want to remain neutral and try to find strengths. I’ve worked with kids with severe behavioral issues for a long time. Maybe a kid has walked out of class and called the teacher every name in the book, but when I come to the school, the first thing I do is smile at that child. I want them to know their presence is a gift. Every child should feel that way. I know sometimes this is easier said than done, but if they’re having a problem behavior, notice something they’re doing right.
Q: When should a parent seek expert help?
A: If it’s significantly interfering with daily life. If it’s impacting your child’s right to have an education or your child’s social interactions, especially to the point where they’re experiencing loneliness, or persistent bouts of anxiety and/or depression. When it’s impacting hunger, sleep, their ability to get basic needs met, or leading to self-harm. In those cases, we should look at intervening with mental health professionals. Of course, I’m biased to believe mental health counseling can benefit your young person. But this might also mean talking with the school, or even calling up your best friend who is a parent, or your grandma. It might mean saying, “Hey grandma, is this normal?” It takes a village, right?
Q: Do you have any other tips or suggestions for parents on dealing with their kids’ mental or behavioral issues?
A: I have two book recommendations, and they have them as audiobooks. The first is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. What I like is that it gives real life examples of co-regulation, play and nonleading questions to address behavior. It normalizes so much. The other book is The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It talks about collaborative problem-solving, and how we address challenging behavior in young people.
Also, talk with your school guidance counselor or your child’s pediatrician. They can lead you. They’ll know where to point you if you need referrals. It’s so important to rule out medical issues. It’s okay to normalize talking about parenting struggles. If we don’t talk about it, then we don’t get help and we can’t share resources.
Additional Resources
Check out these free resources for ways to help your children.
Reach Out Oregon
A team of families and friends offering support and resources.
Call or text their warmline at 1-833-732-2467 or email at info@reachoutoregon.org
Parents Anonymous
A national helpline for parents, offering free support.
Call or text 855-427-2736.
NAMI Multnomah
The Multnomah County affiliate for the National Alliance on Mental Illness.
They offer advocacy, support and crisis resources.
The Kids Mental Health Foundation
Free online articles and videos for parents and caregivers on supporting kids with mental health challenges.
This article also has great local resources for families.