The first year of parenting comes with a steep learning curve that no one warns you about (we’re not talking about sleepless nights and diaper blowouts). Here’s how to navigate through three new parent challenges and come out the other side stronger.
There’s a moment, somewhere around 2 am, holding a screaming newborn when you realize: Nobody actually prepared you for this. Not the sleepless nights part — everyone warns you about that — but the other stuff. The quiet resentment that builds when you’re somehow the only one who knows when the diapers are running low. The well-meaning phone call from your mom suggesting you put rice cereal in the baby’s nighttime bottle to help them sleep longer (delivered with the confidence of someone who regularly put their babies to sleep on their stomachs). The way your usually sweet first child starts acting out, always at the most inconvenient times.
The specifics might be different in your household, but these new parent pitfalls feel almost universal — and you are not alone in feeling exasperated and frustrated. Here, local experts offer real-world guidance for the challenges that come with being a new (or new again) parent.
New Parent Pitfall No. 1: Unequal division of parenting and household labor
You and your partner have a strong relationship. You not only talked about your intended parenting philosophies and whether you’d use cloth or disposable diapers, but also the everyday adult stuff post baby’s arrival: dividing night time feeds and changes, making sure the fridge is stocked and ensuring the dog still gets walked.
But then the baby came. The paradigm shift of becoming a parent is one of the biggest changes a person encounters, so it’s no wonder that identities, relationships, duties and responsibilities likewise morph.
“It’s easy to point to sleep deprivation, the physical recovery of the birthing parent, and the stress of a brand new baby as ‘the thing’ that broke the relationship,” says Rebekah Lubeck, a licensed clinical social worker with Pulse Wellness Cooperative, a worker-owned therapy cooperative that provides individual, couples and family therapy, particularly for clients who are LGBTQ+ and neurodivergent.
One thing Lubeck has seen to help couples is letting the non-birthing parent take solo baby duty at set times. It breaks the “default parent” pattern and builds each parent’s own bonding style. Another equally powerful ritual: rehearsing conflict resolution before the baby arrives. Name your stressors — sleep, meals, showers, downtime — then agree on how you’ll raise issues later, whether through daily check-ins or a “code word.”
Lubeck says that when one person says the load is unequal, it is often heard as “You are bad, and you need to do more.” Doing check-ins at appropriate times (i.e. not during midnight newborn wailing, or when one partner is about to rest) can make all the difference in having a productive conversation. She also suggests framing discussions using “I” instead of “you” statements.
“Coming to the conversation with a willingness to brainstorm or change plans — by both parties — is also key to surviving the newborn stages,” she says. “Needing to shift a division of labor doesn’t automatically mean one party was wrong or failed — it could just mean that the baby and household needs have shifted since the last time the conversation happened.” Lubeck adds that if emotions run high, don’t push through, but rather pause the conversation and agree to continue later.
If a person genuinely believes their partner does not want to engage or change the dynamic, it’s a great time to bring in a therapist. “Either parent experiencing, or suspecting their partner is experiencing, postpartum mood disorders is another essential time to involve a therapist or mental health professional for that parent and, in an ideal world, both parents together.”
One more thing to remember. “Almost every couple finds themselves frustrated, disconnected, and feeling unsupported sometime in the first few years of a baby’s life,” says Lubeck. “It does not automatically mean the relationship is failing or that one person is a terrible parent or partner.”
New Parent Pitfall No. 2: Grandparents giving outdated advice and not respecting boundaries
Oh, grandparents. They mean well, right? Your parents and in-laws raised you in a different era, and while their guidance comes from a place of love and experience, recommendations for infants have changed a lot in the past few decades.
“I encourage (new parents) to start from a place of humor, highlighting that we used to do a lot of things differently, like holding babies in our laps while we drove cars,” says Sarah Swanson, a community educator with Legacy Health. “Just like my phone needs an update every once in a while, so do some parenting tips.”
Swanson teaches Grandparents Today, a three-hour virtual class offered through Legacy Health that provides evidence-based information on how grandparents can be better informed and up to date on safety information, best practices for caring for a newborn, and how to best support a new family — free of judgment. The hospital has been offering the class for more than a decade and Swanson says it’s one of her favorites to teach.
She recommends starting the conversation with your parents or in-laws before the baby is born. “New parents should have an idea of what sort of parenting style they’d like to practice so they can communicate that with grandparents,” she says, adding that if you have a partner, you should talk to your child’s future grandparents as a team.
“A well timed, ‘It’s interesting how many recommendations have changed. I’d love to hear what worked for you, and we’ll figure out what fits with today’s advice,’ can provide grandparents with an opportunity to share their wisdom and for new recommendations to be viewed as an opportunity to collaborate,” adds Swanson. “I’m also a firm believer that parents innately know what is best for their own child, and that might be different than what a grandparent did for their child, and that’s OK. Shifting the conversation to a focus on current evidence, rather than a dissection of how past practices were wrong or bad, which can leave grandparents feeling defensive, can be a great way to bridge the gap.”
Sometimes the challenge with grandparents is healthy boundaries. Maybe it’s a grandparent who shows up unannounced during naptime or quietly undoes your rules the moment you step out of the room. These moments can feel small on their own, but they add up fast, and they can leave you feeling second-guessed in your own home.
“I encourage new parents to have a script for their boundaries, such as: ‘We learned about safe sleep from our pediatrician and from a childbirth education class, so that’s what we are following,’” she says, adding that offering to share resources with grandparents is also a helpful gesture.
If a boundary is disregarded, Swanson says the next step is enforcing it consistently with a clear, predictable consequence. “The boundary doesn’t need to be debated; it needs to be respected.” If you’re finding that your respectful, yet firm boundary discussions are being ignored, Swanson says new parents can decide to supervise visits with grandparents more closely, or simply not leave the baby in their care.
She says it’s also important to distinguish between safety-related boundaries — like safe sleep or correct car seat usage — and parenting preferences, such as not automatically offering a pacifier when the baby is fussing, to see where appropriate compromises can be made.
“I think it’s essential that parents present a united front in this regard,” she says. “Hearing the same message from both parents (in a two-parent household) can reduce the impression that the boundary is just one person’s preference rather than the family decision.”
New Parent Pitfall No. 3: Helping a first child adjust to a new sibling
This one is especially relevant to me: I am expecting my second child and my husband and I want to set our 3-year-old (and ourselves!) up for success as our family grows. Naturally, he’s the center of our universe, but soon a tiny, wailing potato will demand much of our attention. How will he react to the baby? Will he regress or act out — or both?
“These are all reasonable and normal concerns,” says Elana Einstein, a certified postpartum doula with Birth First Doulas.
When most families think of postpartum doulas, care for the birthing parent and the infant most commonly come to mind. But organizations like Birth First Doulas do that and care for the rest of the family, including older siblings. “Doulas relieve the pressure families feel managing multiple children’s needs while exhausted and recovering from birth,” says Julia-Rose Scianna, a certified postpartum doula, newborn care specialist and pediatric sleep coach with Birth First. “Oftentimes it’s the doula taking over baby care so that the older siblings can spend one-on-one-time with a parent (while perhaps the other parent naps or showers).”
In addition to postpartum support, Einstein and Scianna say there’s a lot that can be done before the new baby arrives. “I believe in keeping things simple for kids. They usually accept reality the way we present it to them,” says Einstein. “It’s important to explain to them what is going to happen when the birth occurs, reassuring them about who will take care of them while their parent(s) will be gone. … Explaining that while birth is a normal process, healing takes time and energy, can help.”
Setting up consistent playdates with a relative or nanny for the older kids before the baby comes is another strategy that tends to work well, adds Scianna. “This makes the older child feel important and they highly anticipate these visits. Then when the baby arrives, these dates continue and the child feels a sense of being positively singled out and ‘being seen,’ while parents get a break.”
Doulas can also offer informational support, such as books kids can read to prepare them to become a big sibling and the arrival of a new baby. (Pro tip: Your local library is also a great resource! I asked the children’s librarian at our neighborhood branch for recommendations for my toddler and they really came through.)
Einstein and Scianna also recommend, when possible, sticking to your firstborn’s routine and schedule. This provides them predictability and stability, and makes them feel safe. Also consider asking older children to help with the baby in age-appropriate ways, such as picking out their outfit or handing you diapers and wipes during changing times. “Inviting your older children to help with the baby can be a wonderful way to make them feel mature and a part of the new dynamic as well,” says Scianna.
And remember, it will all get easier. Some of these pitfalls may never disappear entirely. But they do soften, and you get better at navigating them — not because you’ve necessarily mastered parenting, but because you’ve done it enough times to trust yourself a little more. You’re not failing. And you’ll get through it, tiny wailing potato and all.
