Making new friends as an adult, and parent, can be hard. We take the guesswork out of forming lasting friendships.
There are few things more awkward than trying to make a new friend as an adult. Why does it feel like you’re hitting on a fellow mom at the playground, when all you want to do is find a bestie with equally dirty hair and tired eyes? Making friends has become suspiciously similar to dating, only with a lot less time, energy or late nights — but just as many cringe-worthy missteps.
So, why even make the effort? Because while parenting can be lonely, it can also be deeply connective and carry us through the hardest seasons. I’m here to not only tell you it’s worth it to make the effort, but how to find these friends and where to find them.
First, ask yourself: Do you even want more friends?
This may sound like a strange place to start, but friendship takes time and effort. If you’re barely managing showers, laundry and keeping everyone fed, it is perfectly reasonable for finding new friends to fall somewhere below remembering to buy toilet paper on the list of priorities. And that’s OK. Press pause on that buddy search and come back to this article when the thought of a conversation is actually appealing. You’ll get there, I promise. Now that that is out of the way, let’s begin with one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned — friendship during parenthood doesn’t have to look like friendship before parenthood.
We don’t talk enough about how normal it is for friendships to shift after becoming parents.
Maybe you’re starting from scratch because you just moved. Maybe your closest friends are far away. Maybe your best friend doesn’t have children and can’t quite understand why dinner at 8 pm sounds like cruel and unusual punishment. Maybe you’re the one who forgot to text back for six weeks. Maybe life simply happened. None of that makes you a bad friend. It makes you a parent. Whatever you’re feeling, meet that with kindness and understanding.
Next, know that if your social circle is smaller than it used to be, that’s OK, too. Parenthood is a time when most people trade quantity for quality. With limited and precious free time, we have to get much more intentional with how we spend it.
Before kids, you saw the same classmates every day, or shared apartments, workplaces and happy hours. Not to mention the seemingly endless hours of free time you had to wander farmers markets, binge television shows or spontaneously leave for a road trip. Le sighhhh.
The driver for friendships now is going to center all around that concept of time. Pro tip: The secret ingredient isn’t chemistry; it’s convenience. Researchers have consistently found that proximity and repeated interactions are some of the strongest predictors of lasting friendships. We become close to the people we regularly see.
Two different friends told me the people they see most often aren’t necessarily their oldest friends; they’re neighbors. The kids are close in age and live within walking distance. Sometimes, after bedtime, they’ll sneak out for a quick drink at the neighborhood bar for an hour before heading home. Or they’ll have a sidewalk chat that turns into an impromptu hour-long hang while the kids draw hopscotch or play hide-and-go seek. It’s not elaborate. It’s simply doable. And that’s the key.
In this season of life, friendship might look like folding laundry while your friend sits on the couch drinking tea. Pushing strollers around the neighborhood or joint Costco treks. Catching up while your kids run drills at soccer practice. Walking the dogs together. Some of my favorite conversations have happened while doing something completely ordinary. The pressure disappears when friendship becomes part of life instead of another task competing for your already-overloaded calendar. Pro tip: The easier something is to repeat, the more likely it becomes part of your life.
But how do you meet those friends in the first place?
Instead of trying to force friendships, start by spending time where your people already are. I call them the Three Ps: playgrounds, playdates and PTA.
Playgrounds
The playground is essentially speed-dating for parents. First off all, choose a park close to home so it’s a place you’ll visit frequently, and with that repeated exposure, certain faces will start to become familiar. You’ll recognize a lot of the same people, especially ones on similar schedules. And right there, you’ve already ticked two of those convenience boxes of proximity and frequency!
Everyone is there for roughly the same reason. Letting their kid burn off energy while you try to get the tiniest modicum of peace and sanity. No one touching you for a few blessed minutes or asking for a snack. Just you and a park bench with a line of sight on your child for as long as they’ll happily play.
Now, here’s where it gets hard. Put away your phone for 10 minutes. I know, this is your chance to decompress and turn off your brain. But this is also your chance to look approachable. To watch what’s happening to offer a comment, be it in commiseration about a public meltdown, to offer an extra snack, or even adoring someone’s cute sparkling sneakers. You don’t need brilliant conversation. You just need tiny openings. See where it leads. If all you get is a sympathetic look when your children refuse to leave, that’s valuable support, too.
Playdates
If your children are babies or preschoolers, structured activities can make introductions much easier. Think library story times. Baby music classes. Community center playgroups. Parent-and-me swim lessons. Neighborhood Facebook groups. The Peanut app. Church groups. Early childhood classes. I can’t give specifics as you actually need to go hyper-local here to whatever is happening in your specific neighborhood that works for your specific schedule.
And it’s true, no one is stoked to strip down to a bathing suit we haven’t worn in at least a year to get into a pool with strangers and sing “Motorboat, Motorboat” to a crying toddler. Nor do we attend library storytime because we’re thrilled to listen to a rhyming monosyllabic read aloud. We do it because we love our kids, have been up since the crack of dawn, and desperately need somewhere to go before lunch. The shared experience does a lot of the conversational heavy lifting. That’s it. Just start chatting with whoever is next to you and if you connect, run with it. If you don’t, try again next week with someone else. No big effort required and no big loss if it doesn’t pan out. But that small outreach can pay out in dividends if you find a fellow parent with a similarly aged child who also is desperate to grab a coffee and connect.
PTA
Elementary school is where parent friendships often start to feel a little easier. Not because parenting suddenly gets easier, but because your children begin creating the introductions for you. Your kid keeps talking about the same classmate. You meet that parent at pickup. You volunteer for the book fair. Again, the repeated exposure works its magic.
If you’ve ever wondered why some parents seem to know everyone, it’s usually not because they’re naturally more outgoing. It’s because they keep showing up. Volunteer once a month. Coach soccer if that’s your thing. Help backstage with the school play. Be a classroom helper once a week or once a month. Attend family movie nights.
I can’t recommend the PTA enough. It gives you access to a wide range of volunteer opportunities that best match the time you have to give. However, this comes with a massive caveat of someone who’s been there. Pro tip: Don’t say yes to everything — just to the projects that support your interests, abilities and time. There will always be greater needs than what is being met, so make sure your boundaries are mentally set beforehand. Do what you want to do. You don’t have to be the PTA president (unless that’s your jam, and props to you!). Just becoming a familiar face can lead to meaningful friendships over time.
As kids get older, the friendship opportunities evolve again. Middle school and high school parents often meet while waiting at practices, theater rehearsals, robotics competitions, debate tournaments, or marching band performances. The setting matters less than the consistency.
How to take it to the next level.
I need to be clear: If you want that friendship, you really need to make the first move.
Take a deep breath and ask for their phone number so you can text them, whether it’s for a meet up at a playground, ride share to practice, or to schedule a playdate. Super simple and low pressure.
If that feels too forward, you can skip the phone and try to meet up in a way that feels low pressure. Ask if they want to meet here next Saturday. Or let them know you’re grabbing a coffee after this and they’re welcome to join you.
That’s it. No grand gestures. No elaborate planning. No pressure. And if someone says no, it’s no big deal. Go back and reread the intro of this article. Maybe they don’t want more friends right now. Maybe they can’t keep up with who they have. So don’t take it personally.
Now before you embark on this friend-finding adventure, one last reminder. Recently, I was part of a group of stay-at-home moms with kids the same ages, navigating elementary school side by side. We organized class parties, volunteered on field trips, celebrated birthdays, swapped school pickup duties, dropped off meals when someone was sick, and texted each other through the hard parenting days. Our friendships started because our children were friends, but they grew because our lives aligned.
As the years passed, playdates became moms’ nights out and weekend trips, and those friendships became one of the greatest gifts of raising young children. But friendships, like childhood, have seasons. Today, our text thread is quieter. Kids changed schools, families moved, and life carried us in different directions. I have never been more grateful for a group of friends, because they made one of the most challenging, exhausting, and often alienating times of my life not just bearable but lighter and brighter.
If anything, those friendships taught me that community isn’t something you find once and keep forever. It’s something you continue building as your life changes. Parenthood changes. Your children change.
And so do you. Now go on out there and make some friends. Maybe it’ll be for life. Maybe it’ll be for two hours at the splash pad. Either way, don’t forget to ask for their number before a kid has to poop!
Dad Rules
Although much of the conversation around parent friendship focuses on mothers, fathers, parents and caregivers can experience the same isolation. The good news is that the same principles apply. Get involved. Go to birthday parties instead of dropping your child off and leaving. Say yes when another dad suggests meeting at the park. You may wait for someone else to initiate the conversation. But chances are the other dad/parent/grandma/auntie is waiting for exactly the same thing. The good news is that the same principles apply.
